No Life Outside of Work? Why You Need a Third Place
I've been noticing a pattern with my clients lately, and once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it.
They go to work. They go home. And that's it.
No place to socialize. No place to make new connections. No place to just be themselves. When I ask what they do outside of work and family, the answer is usually some version of "nothing, really."
If you feel like you have no life outside of work, you're not alone. We've gotten so wrapped up in work and digital connection that we've forgotten how to connect live. And I think it's costing us more than we realize.
What is a third place?
The term comes from sociologist Ray Oldenburg. Your first place is home. Your second place is work. Your third place is everything else: the coffee shop where they know your order, the gym, the book club, the church small group, the pottery class, the Thursday night trivia team. It's where you show up as you. Not as an employee, not as somebody's mom, not as the person who handles everything.
Oldenburg described these places as neutral ground where your title doesn't matter, conversation is the main event, and the regulars notice when you're missing. Honestly, that last part might be my favorite. When was the last time someone outside your house or your Teams chat noticed you were gone?
This isn't just a "nice to have"
I want to be really clear here, because conversations like this get dismissed as fluffy self-care. This is a health issue.
A review of 148 studies covering more than 300,000 people found that those with stronger social relationships had a 50% higher likelihood of survival. The researchers said that's on par with well-known risk factors for early death. In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General officially called loneliness an epidemic, with about half of American adults reporting it.
And we're losing ground. In 1990, 3% of Americans said they had no close friends. By 2021, it was 12%. We went from spending about seven hours a week with friends to under three. Researchers have a name for it: the friendship recession. (And for the guys reading, 15% of men now say they have no close friends at all. That's five times what it was in 1990. We need to talk about that, too.)
Gen Z and loneliness at work: they want connection but don't know how
I work with a lot of employers, and when we talk about Gen Z entering the workforce, the same three things come up every time: communication, leadership, and critical thinking.
Here's what I've come to believe. Those aren't three separate problems. They all grow from the same place: time spent with real people, face to face, in low-stakes settings, over and over again. A lot of Gen Z spent their formative years, pandemic included, doing that through a screen. They're looking for connection. They just don't know how to find it.
So naturally, they look to work. And look, work is a great place to find a mentor and build strong relationships with colleagues. But it's not where you're necessarily going to make friends, and it's definitely not where all your self-discovery should happen. Because, you know: boundaries.
There's research on this, too. Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas found it takes about 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 more to become actual friends, and over 200 to become close friends. And hours spent working together don't count as much. So no, the team happy hour twice a year is not going to cut it.
And then there are the parents
My clients who are parents are some of the most capable people I know. Powerful careers. Kids. Partners. Households that run like small companies. And somewhere along the way, a lot of them lost a sense of themselves.
So I ask them: What do you do FOR YOU?
A creative pursuit? A community connection? A group of girlfriends that you have just for you?
Here's the thing. None of us are two-dimensional. Psychologist Patricia Linville studied what she called self-complexity, basically how many different roles and identities make up who you are. She found that people with more of them handled stress better and were less prone to depression after hard events. (Later research has been mixed, so I hold it loosely, but it matches what I see with my clients.) When your whole identity rests on two legs, employee and parent, one hard season in either can knock you flat.
And if guilt is what's stopping you, try this: your kids are watching. The Surgeon General's advisory specifically says parents need to model healthy social connection. If all they ever see is you working and taking care of everyone else, that's the version of adulthood they'll inherit.
High achiever burnout: when work becomes the hiding place
Now let's talk about my high achievers. You know who you are.
Some of you read the first part of this and thought, "I'm not lonely. I'm busy." And I get it. When things feel empty outside of work, work is the easiest place to go. There's always one more email, one more project, one more problem you're really good at solving. Work gives you structure, purpose, people to talk to, and a scoreboard that tells you you're winning. It can feel a lot like connection.
But it isn't the same thing. You can't out-work loneliness.
Here's what the research says. A large review of workaholism studies found it wasn't linked to better job performance. What it was linked to: more job stress, burnout, work-life conflict, and worse physical and mental health. So those extra hours aren't even buying you the results you think they are.
Not sure if you've crossed that line? Take my free burnout quiz.
And loneliness follows you into the office. In a study of 672 employees and their supervisors, the lonelier employees were, the lower their performance ratings. Lonelier employees came across as less approachable and felt less committed to their organizations. The thing you're using work to avoid ends up showing up at work anyway.
So here's what I'd ask you to sit with: If your job went away tomorrow, who would still call you? Where would you still go? If the answer is "no one" and "nowhere," that's not a reflection of your worth. It's a sign you've put everything in one basket. And after 19 years in HR, I can tell you that basket belongs to the company, not to you.
And if a layoff or a hard season at work has already shaken you, I wrote about how to rebuild confidence after a career setback.
Yes, this helps your career, too
This isn't time away from your career. It feeds it. Here's how.
You recover. Research on recovery from work shows that mentally detaching from your job in your off hours is linked to better well-being, so you come back with more in the tank. It's hard to detach when there's nowhere else for your brain to go.
You practice the skills that get people promoted. Remember communication, leadership, and critical thinking? A third place is a practice field. You learn to read a room, make conversation with people you don't know, lead a volunteer project, and hear ideas from people who don't think like your team. And nobody is grading you, so you can actually try things.
Your network grows. The people you meet in a third place sit outside your industry and your usual circle. That's exactly where new ideas, referrals, and opportunities tend to come from. Your next role might come from someone in your Saturday class.
You can take a hit. Layoffs happen. Reorgs happen. Bad bosses happen. When your job is one part of who you are instead of all of it, a career setback still hurts, but it doesn't take everything else down with it.
How to make friends as an adult (and find your third place)
You don't need a whole new social life by next month. Start small.
Lower the bar. You don't need a best friend tomorrow. One study found people felt a stronger sense of belonging on days they talked with more acquaintances than usual. The barista counts. The regulars at your Saturday class count.
Pick one thing and keep showing up. Friendship runs on hours. One weekly commitment beats five one-off events.
Make something. In one study, people felt more energized and reported more flourishing the day after doing something creative, and that included everyday stuff like cooking and knitting. You don't have to be an artist.
Look for the free stuff. The library, a run club, a faith community, a community garden, a volunteer shift.
Protect it like a meeting. If it only happens after everything else is done, it won't happen.
Your humanity deserves more
You are more than your job title. You are more than someone's parent or partner. None of us are two-dimensional, and our humanity deserves more than that.
If your career has taken up more of your life than you ever meant it to, start with my free guide, 5 Signs Your Career Burnout Is Bigger Than Your Job. And when you're ready to talk it through, book a free discovery call.